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e · x · p · e · r · i · m · e · n · t
ramblings by celtalitha
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Working two jobs; waking up at three am most mornings, getting home around 10 most nights, sleeping three or four hours and a nap here and there. The headaches are kicking in. This morning was my morning off; I only worked one job, for only four hours in the afternoon. Basically, a day off. Now considering whether to drive out to my parents' house for one of my brothers' birthday dinner. I have to wake up at three again. That is in (checks clock) about 8 hours. From now. I could go for an hour, maybe. Siiiighhhh.
Feeling...: |
 exhausted | |
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is peaceful, is busy, is a little bit volatile but overall wholesome and well working much, sleeping little, feeling more like myself being busy again and living on caffeine and learning
to deal with idiots and crackheads and slow people and defensive people, and to actually enjoy it and grow from it, all over again. And besides that, it's late, I'm tired, and going home for some much-needed dinner and sleep. :)
Feeling...: |
 hopeful | |
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I need to go to sleep. I need to go home, give up, find something to wear tomorrow, finish my application, take some time to myself, get a good night's rest, maybe have a cry. I miss ... I don't even know what I miss. I am so moody, glum, dull, out of touch, I don't even know. I can't even form a coherent thought-process. Something like "I need to revitalize my spirit," which just sounds so un-vital and cliche' and pathetic and overdone that I can't bear to repeat the thought. Can't bring myself to make lists of goals or plans for the future. Can't bring myself to let go of making lists and plans, let go and just rest and relax and BE. Unable! Anxious, unaccomplishing, stagnant and yet panicked, stressed and yet I haven't done anything actual or quantifiable in ages. Sitting in the library all afternoon, flipping haphazardly and hopelessly through job postings and apartment ads without any real intent to pursue anything seriously; yet unwilling to give up and admit that I'm wasting time, give up and waste time in a way that might actually be restful, or good for me, or ... honest. I can't sit at home, my temporary home, because every moment that I'm there awake (and many when I'm not, if it's after eight a.m.) I am being harped at and lectured and told to find something to accomplish, to get off of the sofa, to remove my things from the kitchen, to find a place to live and a job and stop playing around. So off I go to the library, and pretend not to be playing around, and avoid things. Avoid my mother, and avoid my text-messages, and avoid anything relating to school or futures or couples or children or hopes-and-dreams or basically anything real whatsoever. Perhaps I can quantify that, and use it to boost my self-esteem. "Today, Marcia, you have avoided exactly 437 uncomfortable thoughts, people, and situations. You rock." Yeah.
Feeling...: |
 drained | |
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ChangeIf you knew that you would die today, Saw the face of God and love, Would you change? Would you change? If you knew that love can break your heart When you're down so low you cannot fall Would you change? Would you change? How bad, how good does it need to get? How many losses? How much regret? What chain reaction would cause an effect? Makes you turn around, Makes you try to explain, Makes you forgive and forget, Makes you change? Makes you change? If you knew that you would be alone, Knowing right, being wrong, Would you change? Would you change? If you knew that you would find a truth That brings up pain that can't be soothed Would you change? Would you change? How bad, how good does it need to get? How many losses? How much regret? What chain reaction would cause an effect? Makes you turn around, Makes you try to explain, Makes you forgive and forget, Makes you change? Makes you change? Are you so upright you can't be bent? If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling? If not for the good, why risk falling? Why risk falling? If everything you think you know, Makes your life unbearable, Would you change? Would you change? If you'd broken every rule and vow, And hard times come to bring you down, Would you change? Would you change? If you knew that you would die today, If you saw the face of God and love, Would you change? Would you change? Would you change? Would you change? If you saw the face of God and love If you saw the face of God and love Would you change? Would you change? |
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As anyone can see who ever actually glances at this thing, I've not been online a whole lot lately; in fact I have used the internet perhaps only once a week since school ended, and that for checking email and rummaging through a couple blogs and that's it. Without papers to procrastinate on, I just don't have the motivation for long ranting LiveJournal entries anymore. :)
So. What is new? In the briefest of brief forms, not a whole flippin lot. Yes, yes, I did graduate. My diploma actually arrived (at my parents' house) on Friday - "Marcia McDevitt, Bachelor of Science in Political Science, Summa Cum Laude." I finished with - to my great astonishment - five "A Pluses" and one "A" for the semester. The plusses scooched my GPA up over a 4.0 again for graduation. Which gave me the old, momentary, Marcia-of-her-younger-years scholarly-obsessive-perfectionist-nitpicker feeling of euphoric glee, which quickly passed into the new, Marcia-of-her-older--years cynical pragmatism. The latter said, "what the hell, girl, you have a ridiculously good GPA and a ridiculously accomplished transcript and no purpose, no plans, no goals and no prospects. Whoohooo. (sarcasm). Good job. Now continue to work retail for the rest of your life and hang your damned "summa cum whatever" on your wall to show your grandkids when you're old and bitter." To prove, in case of any doubts, how much I am sick of my college education and how cynical I am about the whole deal these days, I didn't even bother to go to MY OWN GRADUATION. Yeah. I lay the stupid cap and gown out on the futon in case I felt like waking up and heading over there, but since nobody would come except my mom and thirteen-year-old brother (who didn't want to wake up early either and yelled and whined like heck when my mother told him he had to come with), and since I have no deep love for ASU or burning desire to count myself among its alumni, I slept in and said To Hell With It. My mum came by later in the day and brought me a tiny cake and a card with a leaping frog wearing a graduate cap and some toilet paper and Chipotle. That was my graduation.
I have spent the last few weeks sleeping in, swinging between bursts of creative energy and long stretches of lethargic despondence, spending much time browsing local clearance racks or sitting on top of a mountain; attending Persian parties and dinners, attending to "the things that I've neglected," mending and tending relationships and scrutinizing my priority-system...
Today Sina has an interview for an amazing internship that he has been dreaming about for months. I really hope and pray he gets it. His friend gave him a referral and he has spend every spare minute of the last few weeks - which has been ridiculously difficult, since he is now working TWO full-time jobs as well - at that friend's house, studying the design programs used at this company (they don't use CAD, they use ProDesign and another one which name I've forgotten) and poring over questions they will ask in the interview, etc. etc. etc...
Right now he just got out of the shower and is running around looking for his papers, his suit, his comb, all excited and nervous and distracted...
Sigh. I really hope he gets it. He could work ONE job, it is something he is interested in (as opposed to air conditioning which he HATES), it is his area of study, it's good hours and reasonably good pay and overall ideal and he has been talking about it nonstop and I just don't know what to say if for any reason he doesn't get it. I keep telling him to have a "Plan B" but his "Plan B' is pretty much nonexistant at the moment.
Anyway I'm gonna go help him find his stuff now. Ciao folks. Sorry for the ranty-late-incomplete update. I'll be back later.
Feeling...: |
hopeful |
Listening...: |
Mandy Moore, "Gardenia" | |
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One more day, almost to the minute, and I will be done forever with ASU. I sure hope. I'm probably going to be in here all night, since this whole 15-page research paper thing hasn't been going well for me. I've had a rough couple of days, don't want to post any details but really rough. Not much studying or writing going on. So now I'm on my last all-nighter, empty Starbucks cup at my side, books scattered accross the computer desk and 5 different windows open all containing some massively long government document of which I don't have time to really read, but am supposed to somehow work into my argument. Sigh. I just want to be done. I want to go home and sleep for three straight days. I want to wear something besides the same pair of jeans and old guys' sweatshirt that have been my best friends during alllll my lonely headachy computer-lab nights over the last year or so... lol. ONE MORE DAY, Marcia. You can do this. Sleep is overrated. Keep writing... you only need a B on the damn thing... you can do this.
Feeling...: |
 determined | |
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I only need a 72% on my final exam in my online class, and an 85 on my Massive Research Paper on "strategic communications," in order to get "A"s in those two classes. It's a good thing, too, because I'm feeling absolutely apathetic towards them at the moment. Just a nagging, nervous guilt. No motivation to focus. No sense of urgency, except for the occasional (every couple of hours) momentary panic, and then regressing back into apathy... Today I had a short essay due at 7:40 in the morning. I went home dutifully at 10:30 last night, started a load of laundry, and tried to go to sleep. I couldn't. Maybe it was the caffiene I drank in the afternoon, to keep my mind focused on my reading. Maybe I'm getting sick - because my throat hurt, and I would feel really really warm and feverish, turn on the fan or AC and start freezing and shaking under the blanket. I couldn't be comfortable. I drank about a gallon and a half of water over the course of four hours - FOUR HOURS, that's how long it took me to fall asleep. The later it got, the less relaxed I could be, because I tormended myself with anxiety over having to wake up in a few hours and having so much to do and the need to get a good night's sleep. I fell asleep somewhere after 2:18 in the morning, which is the last time I remember seeing the numbers on my clock. Needless to say, when my alarm went off at six a.m., I wasn't a very happy person. I had planned to sleep a nice solid seven hours, wake up, turn in my paper, and study the whoooollllleeee day, from about 8:00 on. Curl up in the library and study away. But noooo. I hit "snooze." I slept until about 6:50, dragged myself up, washed my face and drove over to school; parked at a meter, dropped off the paper, and came back home, where I went back to sleep and slept until noon. At noon, I took a long shower, made macaroni, and was so groggy and annoyed with myself generally that I made no effort to hurry off to school... I felt like "well, I'm already screwed, I've wasted this whole week basically, and this whole day, so who the *!@? cares anymore" At 2:30 I had the vague sensation that I really OUGHT to care, so I finally organized my books and papers and drank the remainder of my tea and left the house walking. Then I felt the need to stop and get MORE tea at Starbucks, because I still felt groggy and lethargic and very moody. Second green tea does little more than the first. I get to school. I check email. Check grades. Check facebook. Check some random stranger's photo albums. Check all kinds of things EXCEPT MY RESEARCH PAPER. And of course I have been blessed to end up on a computer with the keyboard whose letters - like half of them - don't press properly; you have to jam them down forcefully, because they stick, and my hands feel like they're getting a right proper workout. I'm going to have buff fingers if I stay on this computer. Plus, to top it all off, I am annoyed with myself for studying so dutifully (albeit last-minute-ly) for my research methods class; because I came out with like a 98 average in that class, and (which I didn't realize) the teacher decided not to grade on plus-minus, AND he curved the grade to where an 88% was an A. So essentially, I could have gotten a SIXTY EIGHT on my last exam (rather than a 96) and still had the same grade I do now (A). That was one wasted all-nighter right there... GRRRR. And now I am writing LiveJournal. I'm feeling a little sick again. Does anybody have any extra motivation they would like to give away?!?! Because seriously, folks, I have a 15 page paper due in forty-eight hours, and I got NADA on it. A few notes and that's it. Nothin else. And this whole fretting-hopelessness-thing is probably not going to help my case here.
Feeling...: |
 moody | |
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The Vitamin Water Promotions Dude, who just meandered through the library passing out free energy drinks.
Feeling...: |
exhausted | |
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I just feel the need to announce that I got my FIRST EVER "A plus" under the ASU new grading system. Although the grading system itself is a joke, since only about half the teachers use it and it totally messes up the legitimacy of the GPA as a standardized measurement, I am still quite proud to have got an A+ in my first finished class of Spring '08. And, to be even more egocentric, I will mention that this was a GRADUATE class in which I got this grade, a class for which I wrote an entire 15-page research paper in the space of two days. BOW BEFORE MY GENIUS. BWAHAHAHA.
Feeling...: |
 accomplished | |
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I spend so much time doing everything except that which I really need to be doing. Currently, I should be franticly reading, taking notes, and typing up the remainder of a 15-page research paper due at 9am tomorrow morning. And that isn't nearly the last; every day for the next 2.5 weeks is going to be like this, with massive exams and papers due every single day. But meanwhile, as usual, or as usual for lately, my mind has checked out. I sit outside, drink my iced tea, stare out at the people walking by in such a crazy hurry, and my eyes glaze over from the sunshine and apathy and I drift off in daydreams until *snap*, it's time for a class or work or some such, and the homework? Not done. And this is me, the girl with the 4.0 gpa, the girl with the propensity for overloading herself and yet somehow always managing to accomplish it all. Not anymore. Am I just too old? Come on, now. 25 is really not that old. Old for still being in college, perhaps, but not OLD old! Not old enough to be unable to focus or have any productive energy whatsoever. I don't know. And here I am, rambling about my lack of productive energy, instead of writing my paper. I think I should get some more tea.
Feeling...: |
 contemplative | |
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For someone who had a horribly busy and insane week, was studying/dealing with drama/stressing until 3 am last night, woke up at noon when she had planned to start researching a massive project at nine, and is just NOW settled into the library with all the requisite tea, powerbars, sweatshirt and gigantic pile of papers ... I am bizzarely happy and content. If I only had more time to work on these projects, and less miscellaneous "other" crap filling so much of the day, I would be REALLY happy. I'm serious. I actually LIKE my projects. I've basically figured out that I can relate all my huge research papers/projects/exam material back to a single pretty narrow focus, which is basically what I want to continue study in over the next few years anyway.... that is, the role of the mass media and ICTs in general (information and communication technologies, for the uninitiated ;) ) in global development and human rights issues. Yes, that really is an actual area of graduate study. So: for my linguistics history class, I am researching the various theories and debates surrounding the "linguistic imperialism" argument (i.e. that English is taking over the world, and killing local cultures/languages). For my human rights class I am researching post-traumatic stress in refugees (ok so that's a bit off-topic but still interesting). For "counterinsurgency" (yup it's a class) I'm researching the role of local communications and media in reflecting and/or influencing the indigenous population's belief in the insurgents' and counterinsurgents' claims to legitimacy. If you have a headache yet, welcome to my world. ;P But I actually do LIKE this stuff. Really. The sucky part is when I realize that, say, it's almost 5:00 on a Saturday afternoon, and that not only have I no "life" as most young people know it, but also that even if I write like a speed-demon, I will not be able to accomplish a 15-page research paper in one day; but will probably be suffering for the next four days straight, and harming my physical health and mental sanity irrepairably in the process. That, I assure you, is not a happy prospect. Anyway, this hasn't really sunk in yet, so I'm still happy and content. I am now going to go, get a sandwich from the cafe' before it closes, and resume hunting down sources and typing up outlines on the major tragedies of the world. Yay! :) Wish me luck.
Feeling...: |
 crazy | |
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My linguistics article review was "excellent." My linguistics test (#2) received a 35 out of 35. My counterinsurgency paper got 100%. My "science and democracy" midterm was another A+. Both of my research methods exams so far have earned a 98%. So why, oh WHY am I still SO HORRIFICALLY STRESSED?? Why can't I be happy with my successes and relax, for once? Why can't I accept the fact that I will do just fine if I slow down and stop panicking all the time? :(
Feeling...: |
 annoyed | |
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Overheard while walking to class: "But it's so hard to tell, you know, in those cases, If there's a sampling bias. Because if your catching the animals, you know, you're probably just catching the stupidest ones..." In other news, I have an assignment due online tonight, a paper due in the morning, an exam Wednesday, work wednesday night, another paper due Thursday, and another (3-page written take-home-essay) exam due Friday. None of which are written yet. Add to that the three 12-15-page papers due within the next two weeks, and I'm so overwhelmed I could scream.
Feeling...: |
 pessimistic | |
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I am writing a little scientific-philosophical-speculative ess ay for my "science and democracy" class, about the relinquishment of certain directions of scientific inquiry in order to preserve the survival of the human race. Yeah. The assignement is to respond to an article by Bill Joy, this one engineer dude who created this little thing you may have heard of, called JAVA. Oh and Unix. And who thinks there is a very high chance that the world is going to be destroyed by self-replicating nanorobots sometime in the next century. Sweet huh? Anyway, the paper is only 4 pages long, and it's due in about 2 hours, and the material it would require to actually respond in any intelligent/meaningful way would require WAY over 4 pages, so I think I am just going to B.S. something. Ay. I love school.
Feeling...: |
 gloomy | |
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So I've been attending the Human Rights Film Week for extra credit in one of my classes, and basically this means I've spent the last two evenings in a giant classroom with about 3.2 other students (only slight exageration) watching extremely depressing films. Last night we watched "God Grew Tired of Us." Tonight, we watched "The Kite Runner." I should add here that I am hormonalizing mightily, and that this may have slightly affected my perceptions of this experience, but I shall suffice it to sum up that I actually TEARED UP at least three times during last night's showing, and twice during tonights', and had to control myself like Hercules to maintain Tough-Ass-Cynic demeanor. Sigh... I hate the world sometimes. |
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I think this is funny: Getting a mass email that says "celtalitha, Xanga really misses you!" Written in colloquial, friendly language and full of familiarism, and then auto-sent to prolly about 10,000 people. Har. |
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Tired. Reading an article, for a class, by the president of my university, whom I greatly dislike. The article is on the limits of human knowlege and the need for greater organizational and systemic innovation and crossdisciplinary communication in order for human beings to learn how to live cooperatively with the earth. Good, right? Umph. I would almost like him for his obvious knowlege of his subject, but his conclusions bother me. Really. This is the dude who thought instituting "ASU101" for all incoming freshmen was a good idea. Including topics like "how to study" and "understanding plagarism." Remedial institution, anyone? Reading the article, however, is giving me more insight into why I find him so creepy. He's obviously smart. Very smart. And very effective in what he does. And essentially the part that bothers me is his extreme and unabashed skepticism as to the capabilities of the individual, his faith in centralized institutional processes in solving the problems presented by individual self-interest. Of course, it's not quite that simple. He acknowleges directly the demonstrated inability of plans which supress individual rational self-interest indefinitely in order to improve the state of the collective (i.e. communism). However, he seems to see this as a rather sad thing. Instead, then, he thinks we should encourage individual self-interest to work in favor of the state of the collective, through institutional innovation. And he calls the collapse of communism and the survival of liberal democratic capitalism a large-scale "innovation," that is, experiment, which proved this point. Ok so far. But so pessimistic. In fact, calls the knowlege of our own philosophy "mockable" and proceeds to describe planetary and human evolution, state how meaningless our lives are, and leave it at that. While proceeding to explain that we need new processes and procedures to figure out how to save (our meaningless existance). So I'm tired. My brain is tired. I can't really pinpoint just why I found this article disturbing. It was almost entirely true and correct, in it's own paradigm. It was quite intelligent and articulate and logical. Just... disturbing. And again,this from the dude who instituted the Mandatory Meal Plans and such. Starting his "institutional innovation for the collective at the expense of individual self-interest" on his own turf. |
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Doing better. Almost done with midterms. Two more essays due tomorrow, and then done. Actually slept, uh, seven hours last night. In segments. But that's way good, for these days. Today I have to work all afternoon, which is bad on the essay-writing front; but I'm feeling fairly good despite the whole food-less thing. |
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Fasting during midterms? Bad idea. So I have a huge exam tomorrow morning, and I've barely begun to study. I will not be sleeping much tonight, it seems.
So will I be able to rest up after the exam? Heavens no. After my test, I have 4 hours to write a 4-page research paper for another class; then I have tomorrow evening to write two more papers and a take-home midterm; then I have homework due Thursday morning, work all afternoon/evening, and another midterm (paper) due Friday (at 9 in the morning). Sound like fun?!? Combine that with not eating/drinking anything, and you get Hell In a Box. For Marcia. I am trying to reduce dependency, and become very focused and self-controlled. Controlling, say, one's mind, while dehydrated and weak and underslept and ravenous, to write a complicated research paper on, say, the ethical questionability of certain dimensions of invitro fertilization, is not exactly basketweaving, folks. In case I have not complained enough in this poor little journal already. *Sigh.* At any rate, I'm still fairly happy. Annoyed with my lack of motivation or focus or forethought, yes; but happy. And aside from the headache, I am actually ENJOYING reading about human rights theory. Hopefully I'll be able to stay awake for the next 7 chapters.
Feeling...: |
drained | |
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celtalitha's journal